now it's getting into my head

Nothing is for free. You've gotta earn it.

now it's misdirected anger

I'm taking out my anger on the wrong people.

but I feel really helpless about it,

a little bit of this and that,

misinterpretation,

and this mist of anger quickly

spirals down to a cloudy loathing

of them and myself.

pity the poor things.

not entirely innocent but nowhere near deserving this shit from me.

I blame PMS.

and I'm running out of time.

By tomorrow, there goes my freedom.

Goodbye friends, goodbye social life. Again.

I need more love around me. But that's just as helpless a thing as my misdirected anger.

now it's my fault

Last night, I came home after two weeks in Singapore only to find my tiger-paw cactus rotting. The fat paws fall off at the slightest touch. That made me cry a little inside.

While I was still sulking over the matter during dinner, my dad told me,

“Have you heard the phrase 登天很难，求人更难 (It’s hard to go to heaven but it’s even harder to ask someone for a favor)?”

then he laughed.

What he said is really true though. I can’t ask and expect someone else to do a job without preparing for the worst. It’s unfortunate that I didn’t have any other choice in this case.

Said cactus is now drying out in the balcony after getting watered twice a day for the past two weeks which is way too much for the little plant. I just hope the roots are not rotten so it can recover from being drowned.

:’(

now it's back to learning french

If you are lucky enough to have lived in Paris as a young man, then wherever you go for the rest of your life, it stays with you, for Paris is a movable feast.

While most non-Parisians don't have the luck to have lived in the City of Lights in their youth, our hometowns stay with us for the rest of our lives as well (if you're lucky enough to love where you grew up). It stays with me wherever I go because I think of home every day of my life. Perhaps the only one thing I could do to experience a slice of what Monsieur Hemingway meant in the above quote is to dedicate myself to learn French. It's a beautiful language and I miss going to French classes and listening to cultural tidbits about its capital.

I spent hours surfing the net last night and building quite a list of french-learning websites in order to put my learning cap back on track and I'm determined to get better in French by the time 2009 is out. My principle will be simple: Learn 10 new words and string a complete sentence every day. That doesn't sound too daunting, non? I think I can manage. There is no such thing as too much to handle when you have the will for it.

This place will also get a clean revamp to celebrate my upcoming birthday - just a little something for myself while I save away all my money for more important projects in the future.

Toodles for now!

bisou*

now it's a little whisper

park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me

now it's depression

Since when is getting depressed/having nervous breakdowns cool?

Writing about it on the internet open to savage netizens' criticism is one thing but justifying it is another. You dare to start it; you gotta bear whatever music that plays after.

If you are depressed, you need to get help. Don't go on saying that you'll continue what you do and be inspired by Daul Kim. Gilded words do not make one a genius. Depressed doesn't equal creative genius or vice versa.

If you hate pointed fingers and baseless whispers, save your drama for yourself in the first place and don't whine about everything that's supposedly wrong with your life. You're just an attention-seeking loser. Grow up.

Alright, school's over.

now it's vika gazinskaya

GIRL SURE HAS STYLE. TONS OF IT. I'D LOOK BEYOND RIDICULOUS IN THIS OUFIT BUT SHE PULLS IT OFF. I THINK IT'S THE HAIR THAT DOES IT. THE HAIR AND THAT AWESOME CONFIDENCE.

source: jakandjil

I'm still on the lookout for that perfect pair of denim shorts. I don't own basics, you see, so I'm sort of building my wardrobe from scratch again.

046 now it's francoise hardy

While getting my haircut last night, I read this article about behind the scenes of Sofia Coppola-directed Miss Dior Cherie commercial which is so loved by countless fashionistas around the world. She explained that the modern girl she tried to portray in the commercial is very much inspired by the french songstress and actress Francoise Hardy. Today, when I checked my tumblr, there was this quote by Alexa Chung, the current IT girl and media darling,

I either want to look like an excellently dressed boy or a kitten from the Sixties. Like Françoise Hardy. At the moment, I want to look like Princess Diana. The other night, someone said I looked like a mum at the school gates, and I was, like, ‘Thank you’.

Later in the afternoon, I opened my Google Reader for the first time in a week and there are multiple entries on Francoise Hardy.

People are so predictable. Find your own style inspiration.

045 to forever

RIP DAUL KIM

a light lost much too young.

044 my cactus :'(

When I went to Bandung a week ago, my uncle gave me two pots of very cute cactus (or cacti? plurals. argh.), but on Sunday of that same week, I flew in to Singapore and had to leave them under someone else's care. Now I'm worried that no one is taking good care of my new babies. One of them is a type that's casually called "Tiger's Paw" - fatty, juicy pads with a few tiny thorns along the tips, just like a paw! I want him to survive. It doesn't need much, just a spoonful of water every other day but the simplest things are usually the ones that get messed up so I have to remind myself to call back home to make sure they are growing healthily because this mommy is going to be away for a long time.

043 SINGAPORAY

I'm in Singapore now until almost the end of the month, so that means two weeks of no bbm which is a pretty depressing thought to someone so dependent on it for her social life's survival. But I'll live and the world will go on too. What will be will be.

Anyway, I was at a pretty big jeweler in Orchard this afternoon and the staffs were very friendly. Upon learning that I'm from Indonesia, one of them cracked the lamest conversation ever. It went something like this:

staff: Oh, I know you don't look Singaporean.

me: haha. thank heavens.

staff: You look Indonesian. Let me guess which part....JAKARTA???

me: aha..ha...ha...

Not impressed.

If you can actually name some remote area or even any city but Jakarta, I might actually be a little bit amused.

I'm meeting tons of friends over the next two weeks! Can't wait!

042 My Parents Suggest I Watch Something Else

Yes, I happen to know and fully realise that Robert Chase and Gregory House are not real. I mean, the existence of a great doctor who's as good-looking as Robert Chase must be statistically close to 0 (if not 0) and even though there is still a semblance of reality - the pretty boy will never outshine the grumpy genius - this is just a drama series. I don't take drama series seriously.

There really isn't anything to worry. I don't even like Jesse Spencer. I only like the character he plays in House. Everything is imaginary, which is why at the end of the day I can still go to sleep soundly. haha.

Besides, what you recommend isn't exactly a good example of a slice of life either. Family drama series are always so over the top.

cutie pies, ouais.

On an unrelated note, I'm going to Bandung for one night tomorrow morning! I doubt I can slip in some shopping time in between rushing to get important things done and meeting relatives but I'll try my best. Wish me luck.

041 durtymouth

A typical conversation starts like this,

Then I'd ask if she were doing this or that and she'd say, "What do you think, hoface?"

Hmmmmmms.

If I hadn't known her so well and come to love her so much, I'd have slapbitched this person and started a round of sarcastic snapbacks. These ideas ran through my mind when I first got to know her. Imagine hearing these cuss words on a daily basis spoken with great gusto by a sweet, almost, baby-ish voice. Yes, that's what she sounds like.

But the truth is, she's one of the most loving and generous person I've ever met before. She's just a little bit of a dirty-mouth and an absolute "acquired taste" example for a friend.

I love you, Bel!

Also, this happened today,

c: you poisoned my gf into twitting!

me: join the revolution

c: poor bastard

I have no shortage of durtymouth friends and usually people would say that's because I'm probably one too but I swear I rarely ever spout vulgarities except when I get stuck in really bad traffic and the driver in front of me is an idiot. It's not that I'm averse to vulgarities; I'm used to hearing it but not speaking it. When I do cuss, people never fail to get all startled and go, "Mars! That doesn't seem like you. It doesn't suit you." My previous employer and colleagues reacted that way. It makes me feel like they have these illusions about me and I have to live up to those illusions. What a complete bs. I know best whatever is "like me" - I'm going to make my friends cuss less!

Semarang

I flew to Semarang about a week ago to attend the wedding of a distant relative. Frankly, I've never been to other parts of Java other than Jakarta and Bandung and everything else in between these two really close cities. Semarang is the capital of Central Java and I was quite stoked to finally go somewhere out of West Java for once! It's about 8 hour drive away from Jakarta but I took the plane so I got there in 45 minutes. I hadn't even finished reading Peanuts' Sally Goes to School when the plane landed. The airport was anything but what i imagined. I thought Soekarno-Hatta airport is modest but well, I guess I was wrong. I love jakarta with all my heart and wouldn't want to move to any other city in this country because yours truly is a city girl who likes convenience, you see. I don't get comfy with too nature-y stuff.

Anyway, before I went to Semarang, I met someone from there and she told me there's nothing there that's better than Jakarta so I'd probably just get stuck buying food and local delicacies as presents.

She was right.

But that's not to say I didn't enjoy the wedding. Here are some pictures to prove it.

the weather was mighty hot, so I spent most of my time cooped in the nicely air-conditioned hotel room at Hotel Ciputra, watching marathons of The Simpsons halloween episodes. Besides, I went to a couple of malls in Semarang after I arrived and they were..uhmm..never mind.

at the wedding. It was a pretty simple affair. Light shone through tall windows in the auditorium while we gathered there giving blessings to the newly wed couple on a warm Sunday afternoon.

This is Robin. He's my aunt's (pictured here) sister-in-law's son. In other words, he's my aunt's nephew. In other words, he's my cousin, twice removed. Interesting........Now can i sulk in a corner for feeling old and rapidly aging? Robin is a really good boy though. He didn't cry or looked irritated at people constantly cooing at what a handsome little baby he is. Oh, I love little boys!

Little Robin from mars on Vimeo.

Robin's mom didn’t allow anyone to feed him food served at the wedding reception so he spent his time getting carried by different adoring relatives and pointing at food he couldn’t eat. Then my mom secretly gave him a piece of cake though so my aunt made him kiss her ‘thank you’. What a cutie!

After the reception was over, mom, my cousin June and her husband and I went on a little hunt for Semarang's best treats. The taxi driver took us down streets with markets on the roadsides and to the famous shops in town.

Indonesia has a long wayy to go before she reaches prosperity.

this chocolate-flavored wingko babad tasted SO DELICIOUS but is probably about 500 kCal each. ha!

Buying ikan bandeng (some type of fish with soft bones) at the popular Bandeng Juwena.

and this is what the waiting gate at the airport looks like. I think there's only one or two gates anyway, if I remember correctly. quite dark and balmy. My mom talked to friend while waiting for boarding while I just plopped on one of the plastic chairs and listened to my ipod at maximum volume :)

When I came back from the trip, blood vessels on my right eye popped as a result of exhaustion and my eye stayed red for about a few days. Perfect look to scare kids away. My dad wasn't pleased so he made me stay home and overdose on herbal medicines to get well again. To BLOG. ahaha. so here's the update! My eye is still reddish, by the way. I'm not lying.

I should have recovered much faster than this but maybe I have self-destruct tendencies as I keep punishing my eye by watching reruns of House every single day well past midnight. But it's the only thing that's keeping me happy these days, so I'm not going to stop. :P